Sepia-tone Loving

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I'm a soul-consuming individual. Passion extends to immense measures through my initiation. I write with reason. Occasionally, I make logic, but it's rare to become on a stable comprehensive level with me for I am naturally unpredictable. I am big on spontaneity and I get a radiant kick out of adventure. I love tremendously. I don't expect to become famous but I do have high standards when assumed to encounter someone fresh. I choose whom I want to stay and assist me in living and all that luxurious privileges. Not the girl next door. I'm not ordinary, not amazing.
	29 April 2011, 08:26 Trembling... If you were looking at me from an elevated standpoint; looking down at the way I have been for the past two days, you will undeniably infer that I have a lot of time on my hands. My level of productivity is rated a three on a one-five scale. I mean I started with some of my reading, which will lead to an exam in about two weeks, but that’s about it. I haven’t had the energy to do anything else but position myself in bed, toss and turn countless times – only to have the tendency to fall asleep. To sleep allows me to escape from reality. Technically, I don’t desire to sleep; it just so happens that my body forces the urges to sleep and when I’m either physically or emotionally drained and I am not in school, it’s like my body kind of overpowers my mind, which eventually results in me sleeping. I spend hours in the world of non-evitability. Without the will to comprehend my performance and mannerisms in this world, I am left with nothing when faced with reality as I awake. When one misses something, someone, some place – one may possess mixed feelings. These feelings may be divided into categories based into three primary ones: 1) anger, hostility, and confusion 2) joy, happiness, and thrill or 3) sorrow, grief, and misery. Generally speaking, one is capable of carrying emotions in more than just one category especially being pre-occupied with the thoughts of missing a certain person, place, or thing. At this very moment, I am faced with nostalgia. I long to miss anyone, anything, any place. But the truth is, I don’t. I am ephemerally exhausted and I feel emotionless. I remember when I use to cope with this type of situation with food. When all else failed, food prevailed. I remember eating anything in sight to carry my thoughts away from my impassive abilities to feel. What must one do now when their only alternative is no longer an option? I’m beginning to talk to myself, question my every motive. And then, I end up here. In a state of disbelief that I hold nothing. Begging to differ, I wrap my arms around my pillow and transform my presumed cold nothingness into tears – tears of emotionless emotions – just to ease my mind and the now affirmed pain. 27 April 2011, 07:31 Down 'tripping' memory lane EMERGING ADULTHOOD -- Have you ever encountered someone that you were sure you met when you were a child? One glance at that person and your long term memory storage is triggered to exploration. This massive impulse provokes you to wonder. WHO is this person, WHEN did you meet he/she, WHAT did he/she do to have such an impact on your life, WHY didn't you keep in touch, and HOW in the world will you restore a memory you can't even grasp? SUDDENLY, flashbacks are actuated -- I yelled, "JUMP! JUMP! The sharks are going to eat you!" and you were one leap away from dinner w/the sharks. Sometimes we would be on a ship, some days we would be on trembling plates that held us above indescribably hot lava that could instantly kill us if we fell. 'OH THE IMAGINATION OF A FOUR YEAR OLD' (We transformed our grandpops' trucks into any extreme type of ship, rocket, geographic region, and so forth. AND HERE COMES THE BODY TURNING, HEAD TILTING experiences. "I want Mario, but you can have Luigi." It's okay because I always liked Luigi more anyway, though I was in denial at the time. I can't recall who'd win, but I'm semi-convinced that I was always the winner. You would probably stray away from the fact that you were in my house and I was a girl. It was in boy nature to always let the girl win. Ahhh, clever. That rule didn't exist when we'd play Mario Kart, right? Whoever would win, would dominate fair and square. I have to admit, I can't believe we watched Titanic together. There are x-rated scenes in that film. Well, technically just two scenes (correct me if I'm wrong). Our minds weren't altered to understand what sex meant during those momentary awkward moanful areas of the movie anyway, so I am partially concerned on why we understood death so easily. In all honesty, maybe we didn't keep in touch because when you moved away, there was no main source of communication to seldom maintain. Relationships exist to slowly erode away. In spite of all the negativity that statement has drawn, that's what the present is for. Our paths crossed once more to restore any good memories we had together as childhood friends. Or perhaps we're at a crossroads of hypothetically creating a new friendship. One with less child-like mannerisms, but with more approaches to maturity and daily comfort. So, here's to either restoration or production of our childhood remnants. Either/or, Neither/nor. Let the paths who found each other trail on as we sit back, blink our eyelids and watch the paths create its own course.